i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
