Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I touched a dick in church today
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
