also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
