True but thats because hes a fetus.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
