She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
