I want to make a zoo with you.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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