i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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