Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I yelled at your uterus for you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
