ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
