i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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