i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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