Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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