i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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