How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
