The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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