I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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