You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
