my mouth tastes like poor choices
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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