it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
