sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
