In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
