we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
