this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
