you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
