If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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