Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
