The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
