Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
