i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
