Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I believe in your delicious
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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