youre lurking in front of me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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