Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
