none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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