Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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