Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
