Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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