Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
