I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
