just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
