My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
