u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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