you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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