i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I want is dick and wine.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
