so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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