You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize