omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
