we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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