Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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