Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
