did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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