1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
