you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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