How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize