You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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