When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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