so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
