I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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