lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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