the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
my shit smells like andre
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
