So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
