some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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