if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
