Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
