My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
