I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize