Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
