In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
