Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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