I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize